Dum dum da-dum. Da dum da-dum...

I know I'm a pretty lame blogger...it takes an average of 2 weeks to get around to posts that really only require a few minutes but yes, I am indeed engaged to Josh Stavros. :)

The Story!!

*important information pertinent to the story*

When I came home from Jackson Hole a little over a year ago, Josh invited me to his apartment for some dinner and a long-awaited Lord of the Rings marathon which proved to be an endearing, geeky bond between us. That being said, we watch a lot of movies together. It's kind of our thing most days.

So I'd been waiting for the proposal for many weeks and was really feeling my natural impatience get the best of me, so when Josh took me out on a planned date on Monday, Dec 7th, I thought for sure this was it! I got all dolled up and was on my very best behavior. I tried not to think about it during dinner and through the movie, but by the time it got late enough to part ways, the painful sinking feeling began to settle in and it was all I could do not to cry.
Wednesday, Dec 9th was a rough day for me. I was tired, achy, and cranky from working the 7am-3pm shift and all I wanted to do was be home and be comfy! Josh wanted to be at his house (which only made me more cranky) but conceded and came over. I demanded Elf and when we went to watch it we discovered, to my deep disappointment, that my roommate had taken her dvd player out of the living room. I was so over that day that I just gave in and went with Josh to his house, where he talked me into watching our favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. At the end of the episode, instead of minimizing, the screen slipped right into the last scene of Garden State, as if it had just recorded over the movie. I was confused, but interested so we just watched. Turns out the end scene of Garden State bears a striking resemblance to the week Josh and I broke up and got back together so I felt very emotional while watching it but I was quickly cheered by a tender clip from Lord of the Rings. Before I knew it we had watched 15 minutes of clips from our favorite romantic movies, interspersed with comments from me like, "I love this movie!" and "I wonder who put this on TV. This is so cool!" On the second-to-last clip I thought, "I love all these movies! It's so awesome that Josh likes love stories...wait. These are all our favorite movies...oh my gosh..." By then the Montage was over and Josh was on his knee. He said "the best way I know to express myself is through movies..." and some other tender words :).

Being engaged has been a whirlwind of highs and lows, but it's really been great. Josh has been an unusual groom-to-be by being very involved in all the planning and we've been blessed with a lot of support.

I feel so grateful for my life right now. I'm getting married! I get to be with Josh forever. It feels surreal and exciting and stressful. Some days it's coming way too fast, but I usually feel like it can't get here fast enough!

So Blessed!

Such a busy, crazy, wonderful week!!
To work chronologically...

Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful!! I had a blast with Josh's family. I felt pretty cool to be honored to actually touch the roast beast, let alone help prepare it! And that wasn't even the most exciting part! The thought had never occurred to me to make my own cranberry sauce. Every Thanksgiving in my childhood was happily marked by the fun privilege of opening the cans of jellied and whole-berry cranberry sauce and plopping them out on the plate and carefully slicing and arranging them on a platter.
***Note: I have never loved Thanksgiving food. I'm picky about Turkey and gravy, I eat potatoes sparingly, stuffing is meant for the day-after sandwich, and I think yams are dolled-up baby food. The cranberry sauce is what gets me to the table so the ritual was an important part of the day for me.***
There was to be none of that at the Stavros house! I made my own cranberry sauce! Two kinds, in fact. One was a yummy, pungent, cooked variety and the other more of a tangy, fresh relish. I was in Heaven! Most of my day was spent with Josh's mom and aunt (Bobbe and Anita, respectively) cooking and preparing the enormous feast and I couldn't have been happier. They were so kind about letting me do the fun parts and not just the lame parts of cooking a meal. I've never had so much fun in the kitchen.
The meal was wonderful, I wish I had taken pictures to post because it was as beautiful as it was delicious. And yes. The sweet potatoes rocked my Turkey-Day world. I've been converted! We spent the rest of the day hanging out, talking, reading, watching movies, and playing video games (Josh. Not me.). It was totally relaxed and fun and I loved it!

Black Friday was something my family just didn't do. We usually use that day to rest from Thanksgiving as it is quite a to-do at my house. But Bobbe and Anita just wouldn't take no for an answer so I woke up at 3:15 to go fight for my right to shop and it was so much fun!! I mean it was chaotic and a little scary, but there seemed to be a kind of camaraderie between all the women crazy enough to stand in the cold for an hour just to nab the perfect gift for a loved one. It helped that we got a wicked system down: as soon as we got into the store, I jumped right in line while they scurried all over the store gathering the items we had carefully scouted from the ads and organized on a complex list the night before. When Bobbe and Anita had found everything we needed, I was at the front of the line, ready to check out and move on to the next stop. It was a lovely system and we covered a lot of ground! It was an exhausting, but wholly unforgettable morning!

After what happened with my 12-year old attacker, needless to say I was not excited to go to back to work on Saturday. Sure enough, she was awful! She waged psychological war on me for four days straight! I had such a hard time not taking it personal. She took every hit she possibly could without any concrete reason. To make things worse, she figured out how to split staff, which is ultimate victory for a student! She did this by only complying with requests made by staff she liked, and either ignoring or becoming violent with staff she disliked. Because no one wanted to fight with her, she got to pick her staff, got whatever she wanted in a tantrum, and was allowed to say horrible things about me in my presence to staff and other girls. She had complete control of the entire house and I was her target of choice. It was hell.
She was finally put on isolation after attacking another student so she had to be alone with only a staff to be with her at all times. This meant staff just had to take turns being with her. I obviously couldn't help my team out by doing this, so I felt even worse about the situation.
By Wednesday I'd had it! I finally got her to talk to me and asked her why she wouldn't behave with me down there with her. She eventually told me it was my attitude and how I "shake my hips at her" when I tell her to do/not do something. Yeah. It's as ridiculous as it sounds. I told her I would reflect on the feedback and she said, "okay, you can be with me. Want to play cards?" And the conflict was over! As random and bipolar as it sounds, I'm just happy it's over! I like going to work again!

That same day I received a harrowing call from my dad telling me that my little brother, Chad, was lost on Mt. Timpanogas and had been since 4:00am that morning. My world stopped! I love my brother so much and I can't imagine life without him. I've never prayed so hard! I asked friends and family to join me in prayer for his safety. I tried to keep it together but I was a mess! I just kept thinking about him huddled in the snow, quickly running out of food and water, trying to get his bearings on a merciless mountain. It was hard for me because I love that mountain. I've hiked it several times and am continually in awe of the protective serenity it casts over Utah Valley. All of a sudden it was the enemy, holding my brother captive, and my love for it's peaks became bittersweet. My heart leaped for joy and gratitude when my dad's call finally came, telling me that although Search and Rescue had failed to find him, my surprisingly hardy brother had found his own way out. He was safe! My girls at Sunrise all cheered when they heard and I thanked the Lord for blessing my family and answering our prayers.
Chad said when he saw my dad that he had run out of personal energy hours before and it was by some other, unseen power that he had the strength to make it out. I fully understand the danger he was in, and my heart is full of humility and gratitude to the Lord for leading him to safety. He taught me and my family many lessons that day.

I feel so incredibly blessed! The Lord has truly been looking out for me and I feel so humbled. I am surrounded by people who love me. My family is safe and healthy, though not without their own personal trials. I have a great job where I get to help young women reach for a better life. I'm in love with a man who loves me dearly. And I have the power of personal communication with deity in my life. I am truly blessed.

I Almost Forgot: I Work With Violent Delinquents

Well, for all my warm fuzzies about my job, I think I had a hard knock coming. I was attacked Wednesday night by one of my girls. I found out today that this wasn't because I had done anything to upset her. Apparently I was an easy target. Yeah. Really trying not to internalize that one!
I'm physically fine. She didn't even get a good swing at me, but it's been a rough couple of days because she has used the incident as an excuse to declare war on Sunrise Staff with a focus on making my particular life a living hell. She's completely defiant and is nearly impossible to hold accountable because she has adopted the attitude that she has nothing to lose. She doesn't believe her family loves her or that she can ever find happiness. She believes that if she fights long enough she'll be left alone to rot and die. Her words. Not mine.
What do you say to someone who embraces those kinds of beliefs? She acts (I don't really buy the act) like she has no conscience, so she really does whatever she wants and, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, that means she'll do absolutely nothing I ask her, while doing some of what other staff ask, thereby diminishing my authority as a staff and winning every battle we fight...even if I'm not fighting it. It's maddening!! Now I understand how Aragorn felt when the nasty Orcs started lobbing human heads over the walls of Minas Tirith. Psychological warfare sucks.
Fortunately the therapists and residential director will be back from the holiday tomorrow and I'm hoping the crap hits the fan pretty hard. I've decided to go to work tomorrow happy no matter what the little snot lobs at me. My dad used to tell me that my Tutu (Hawaiian grandmother) was known throughout the island for her smile. She even smiled when spanking her kids, like there could be humor and positivity found in everything. I think that's how I'll face work tomorrow.
Update to follow!

Sunrise Update #1

When I started working at Sunrise, I really had no idea what I was getting into. Don't get me wrong, I had some idea of the hellions with whom I would be dealing, but there was so much more to discover. I was wholly unprepared for the extent of my care and concern for the quite extraordinary young women with whom I would be working. I am daily astounded by how desperately I want them to succeed in life. I've been there long enough to have a veritable slew of favorites and plenty of girls with whom I still want to become better acquainted. The one of the best parts is what they need from me.
On one hand, they need and very much want a positive, healthy role model who has made relatively wise choices and is presently living a full and happy life. This is mostly bestowed almost effortlessly by simply engaging in positive, encouraging conversations, so this is, in many ways, just about being me, which may sound pompous, but I don't feel like I'm the mold for good staff members, simply because there is such a vast variety of individuals who work there. It's really just about being "Me" and letting the girls be attracted to the staff with whom they have much in common. I love all my girls, and I'm so grateful for the bright little smiles I get when I walk in the door.
Based largely on past home and family life, the girls also really need structure and a firm understanding of Cause and Effect. Many of them don't understand the very basic and almost evolutionary concept that consequences (positive and negative) naturally follow actions, because their parent's never held their daughters accountable for those actions. In many cases there was no one to guide them through the murky waters of peer pressure, depression, and other teenage hells (without contributing in a big way to those issues). A big part of my day is helping them understand that when they act maliciously or throw tantrums, they will reap the disadvantages of that particular choice. Fortunately, I also get to reward good behavior such as kindness and compassion. The necessity of balance is what I think motivates me most of all. I love feeling like I'm helping these girls find balance and meaning in their lives.
Forgiveness is an important part of the process for these young women. The other day, one of my girls approached me with a dilemna she will soon face on a home-visit. The surface issue was easily resolved, but it overturned some deeply rooted distresses about her self worth. She told me she felt like if she made a mistake, was forgiven for it, and then repeated the indescretion, the original forgiveness would be void. As a result, she didn't feel like she could ever forgive herself for her past until she could be sure she would never relapse. Of course it's impossible to be perfectly sure a misdemeanor will never be repeated so, according to her own logic, this kind, lively, passionate person can never be worthy of forgiveness from herself or anyone else.
It about broke my heart!
For a moment, all I could think of was the extent of the emotional and psychological pain she must endure daily. When I told her that I believe forgiveness is not a one time thing, but something we can give ourselves every time we slip and fall, and that forgiveness comes not when finally perfect but can be interlaced through a long life full of character-building mistakes, she looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
I tried not to show it, but I choked up a little. I felt so bad for this girl who had allowed a lifetime of guilt weigh her down. I felt infinitely blessed by my own life experiences and the people who taught me to forgive and love myself. The alternative seems really sad.
I'm happy to report her home visit went really well, and this girl seems much happier loving herself rather than emotionally flogging herself for every transgression.

Sweet 16

My sister Haela turned 16 last month!! I knew it would be a big one, so Josh and i were very sneaky and trekked the 3 hours to Orem to surprise her for her most monumental birthday. My mom was the only one who knew and she kept the secret well. We told her to tell Haela that she would pick her up at the flagpole right after school and to be there on pain of death, even though the Orem High Tigers were playing their age-old rival, the Mountain View Bruins (totally the better school...and team since they won. But I'm not biased or anything...). We started circling the parking lot right at 2:15, anxiously hoping to see her before she saw us, but in typical teenage fashion she was 20 minutes late. When we finally pulled up next to her, Haela looked right at me and showed no recognition. It took her a full minute to realize that it was me and even then she was a little dazed.

I was a little worried Haela might still be mad at me for not talking to her for a while, but in full character of my sweet sister, she had forgotten it all.

Josh and I drove up north in his little 2 1/2-door Saturn, thinking we'd be able to fit no matter where we went. We didn't calculate balloons into the equation. Haela had accrued at least 20 balloons throughout the day and needed to take them home. I had magnanimously offered Haela the front seat because of her ultra long legs, so guess who smooshed into the back with the 20+ balloons. And yes. One popped. In. My. Face.
After hanging out in Orem for a couple hours (I miss my Mall :( ) we jetted up to my mom's new house in Draper. Yep. She moved again.
It was great to see my mom and catch up a little. Her house is comfy and much better insulated than the last one.

We left my mom's house thinking we kind of knew where we wanted to go for Haela's birthday dinner, but we were wrong. We were very wrong. After haggling for about an hour (of which I will spare details) we ended up at Ruby River for yummy steak and a surprise appearance by Danielle and Aunt Gina.
We had lots of fun and the food was great. And there were giggles aplenty, especially when the girls got a hold of my camera.

Later it was back to mom's house for carrot cake!

She got her wish!!

The next day I got to help Haela primp and prepare for her first date! She had asked a cute football player to Sadie Hawkins and was really excited. The dance was a jungle theme, so they were going with a cheetah look. I helped her apply her makeup, getting a little dramatic with the eye shadow which I thought would make her look more jungly but she just looked more lovely! She wanted to look cute for the day-date (Which I think is a ridiculous tradition. Who wants to spend 12 hours with a date in High School!), but still look crazy and, well, jungle-ish for the dance, so I 3-barrel curled her hair with some random ringlets and then curled her bangs and told her to mess it up in a bathroom before dance/pictures. She looked so beautiful and mature!

I was really excited for this trip up for Haela's birthday because I had spent the better part of a month preparing a scrapbook of Haela's life up to this point as a surprise for her. Thank goodness I had the help of my Aunt Ashley or I never could have done it. She patiently taught me the basics of scrapbooking and helped me with most of the pages. Ash put a lot of time and energy into it. She's awesome!
Unfortunately, I'm a dork and didn't get any pictures of it or of Haela opening it. Hopefully my mom did, so if I ever get them from her I'll be sure to post some.
Regardless, Haela loved it! Her eyes welled up as she slowly gazed at pictures of her past: Haela as a toddler in our home in Germany, surrounded by siblings who adore her; candids of her in our Orem home with the dogs; snapshots of each parent holding her on October 23, 1993, the day she came into the world-she was such a beautiful baby!
Making her scrapbook made me realize how full and rich her life has been. I think I just thought she would always be my little sister and I sometimes forget that she has experienced and endured and enjoyed much in her seemingly short life. She's grown a lot in the last couple of years. I love her so very much.

Happy Birthday Sis!