Hi-ho, hi-ho...

I returned to work last week and to be honest, it's really hard. I knew it would be, but it's harder than I anticipated. It doesn't really get easier to hand Jane over, I'm just usually in a hurry (what else is new!) and don't leave time to sit and weep over the hours I'll miss with her. She's just so dang cute! It's difficult to leave my little girl in the care of others to go care for other mothers' little girls! (Say that ten times fast!) I knew all of that would make work a challenge, but I didn't expect the adjustment issues to affect Jane's feeding patterns. She's decided that she quite likes the bottle because hey, who wouldn't want deliciously warm milk shot-gun shooting down your throat while being cuddled by your nana, grampa, aunt, or daddy seven times a day? 

In fact, she likes it so much that when I am home, she screams and scratches and arches her body away from me when I try to breastfeed her. 

Super fun. 

And I hate to admit it, but it kind of hurts my feel-bads. I know she doesn't mean it, but it's hard enough to be away from her at all, and then she doesn't want to engage in the most special, intimate of bonding opportunities and before you know it we're both crying! Les Sigh. 

I hear that this is normal and should stop in the next week or two.
Everybody cross your fingers and toes!

BUT! 

There is still so much good in my life!

I am overwhelmingly grateful that Jane gets to hang out with four of her favorite peeps every week and that they are people that I completely trust with her. 

I know how blessed we are that Josh and I both have jobs we enjoy. 

And after a rough week for our friends and their little baby who is failing to thrive, I am extremely grateful and humbled to cuddle my chunky, smiley, happy-as-long-as-she's-being-fed-her-way baby every day. 

I wish I could just stay home with my little Peanut all day every day, but until then I'll just count my blessings and make every day off count as much as I can.

A New Year. A New Word!

Inspired by Miranda and Lara, I have decided that rather than making a long list of things I want to do or change in the next year that I will inevitably forget about by the time my birthday rolls around, I will have a word to guide me this year. Whilst pondering this concept, I thought over the last year and asked myself what my word would have been last year and it was pretty easy to come up with.

Increase!

2012 was a very busy one for the Stavros family! Here’s the breakdown:

January: We bought our home!

February: We became big kids when Josh became an official full-time employee of the Shakespeare Festival and got full benefits. We also adopted our wonderful dog Rosie

March: Found out I was pregnant

April: I was promoted to Supervisor at Sunrise

May: Chad returned from his mission and Haela graduated from High School

June/July: We began the never-ending project of home improvement

August: Cara and Steve welcomed Ella into their family

September: Kellie and Troy brought little Ephraim into the world

October: We started a family tradition of participating in the Butch Cassidy fun run, Josh ran another successful Shakespeare Competition, in which my girls participated again, and we prepared for our world to be completely turned upside down.

November: Our beautiful daughter, Jane, was born!

December: Jane got a cousin when Nora was born in Brazil to Jake and Ashley!

SO yeah. It was a big one. Every month brought an increase to our lives. An increase of responsibility, anticipation, family, joy…it was a really good year for us!

However, we are really looking forward to a slightly calmer year! We don’t want to stop growing, but we want to enjoy the wonderful changes that came to us last year. Josh thought of comparing it to a plant:

Last year we increased by planting a lot of seeds (and watched them sprout rather quickly!), but this year they need lots of attention and…

Cultivation!

So in 2013 we look forward to tending all of these increases and cultivating their beauty in our lives. Specifically, I want to cultivate my testimony of the Savior, actually plant a garden, cultivate my relationship with my daughter, husband, and the rest of my family, and get out of debt! (The debt one only sort of works with my word, but I’m DETERMINED to pay off at least one student loan by the end of next year!) I’d also like to NOT cultivate my hips as I work off my love weight (that’s what I’ve decided to call baby weight. My body weight was increased with love. Now that my Little Love is outside of me, it’s time to give all that weight back to her!).

In conclusion, here’s to 2013, and my year of cultivating the many wonderful blessings 2012 brought to our little family!

What's your word for 2013?

So Blessed!

Such a busy, crazy, wonderful week!!
To work chronologically...

Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful!! I had a blast with Josh's family. I felt pretty cool to be honored to actually touch the roast beast, let alone help prepare it! And that wasn't even the most exciting part! The thought had never occurred to me to make my own cranberry sauce. Every Thanksgiving in my childhood was happily marked by the fun privilege of opening the cans of jellied and whole-berry cranberry sauce and plopping them out on the plate and carefully slicing and arranging them on a platter.
***Note: I have never loved Thanksgiving food. I'm picky about Turkey and gravy, I eat potatoes sparingly, stuffing is meant for the day-after sandwich, and I think yams are dolled-up baby food. The cranberry sauce is what gets me to the table so the ritual was an important part of the day for me.***
There was to be none of that at the Stavros house! I made my own cranberry sauce! Two kinds, in fact. One was a yummy, pungent, cooked variety and the other more of a tangy, fresh relish. I was in Heaven! Most of my day was spent with Josh's mom and aunt (Bobbe and Anita, respectively) cooking and preparing the enormous feast and I couldn't have been happier. They were so kind about letting me do the fun parts and not just the lame parts of cooking a meal. I've never had so much fun in the kitchen.
The meal was wonderful, I wish I had taken pictures to post because it was as beautiful as it was delicious. And yes. The sweet potatoes rocked my Turkey-Day world. I've been converted! We spent the rest of the day hanging out, talking, reading, watching movies, and playing video games (Josh. Not me.). It was totally relaxed and fun and I loved it!

Black Friday was something my family just didn't do. We usually use that day to rest from Thanksgiving as it is quite a to-do at my house. But Bobbe and Anita just wouldn't take no for an answer so I woke up at 3:15 to go fight for my right to shop and it was so much fun!! I mean it was chaotic and a little scary, but there seemed to be a kind of camaraderie between all the women crazy enough to stand in the cold for an hour just to nab the perfect gift for a loved one. It helped that we got a wicked system down: as soon as we got into the store, I jumped right in line while they scurried all over the store gathering the items we had carefully scouted from the ads and organized on a complex list the night before. When Bobbe and Anita had found everything we needed, I was at the front of the line, ready to check out and move on to the next stop. It was a lovely system and we covered a lot of ground! It was an exhausting, but wholly unforgettable morning!

After what happened with my 12-year old attacker, needless to say I was not excited to go to back to work on Saturday. Sure enough, she was awful! She waged psychological war on me for four days straight! I had such a hard time not taking it personal. She took every hit she possibly could without any concrete reason. To make things worse, she figured out how to split staff, which is ultimate victory for a student! She did this by only complying with requests made by staff she liked, and either ignoring or becoming violent with staff she disliked. Because no one wanted to fight with her, she got to pick her staff, got whatever she wanted in a tantrum, and was allowed to say horrible things about me in my presence to staff and other girls. She had complete control of the entire house and I was her target of choice. It was hell.
She was finally put on isolation after attacking another student so she had to be alone with only a staff to be with her at all times. This meant staff just had to take turns being with her. I obviously couldn't help my team out by doing this, so I felt even worse about the situation.
By Wednesday I'd had it! I finally got her to talk to me and asked her why she wouldn't behave with me down there with her. She eventually told me it was my attitude and how I "shake my hips at her" when I tell her to do/not do something. Yeah. It's as ridiculous as it sounds. I told her I would reflect on the feedback and she said, "okay, you can be with me. Want to play cards?" And the conflict was over! As random and bipolar as it sounds, I'm just happy it's over! I like going to work again!

That same day I received a harrowing call from my dad telling me that my little brother, Chad, was lost on Mt. Timpanogas and had been since 4:00am that morning. My world stopped! I love my brother so much and I can't imagine life without him. I've never prayed so hard! I asked friends and family to join me in prayer for his safety. I tried to keep it together but I was a mess! I just kept thinking about him huddled in the snow, quickly running out of food and water, trying to get his bearings on a merciless mountain. It was hard for me because I love that mountain. I've hiked it several times and am continually in awe of the protective serenity it casts over Utah Valley. All of a sudden it was the enemy, holding my brother captive, and my love for it's peaks became bittersweet. My heart leaped for joy and gratitude when my dad's call finally came, telling me that although Search and Rescue had failed to find him, my surprisingly hardy brother had found his own way out. He was safe! My girls at Sunrise all cheered when they heard and I thanked the Lord for blessing my family and answering our prayers.
Chad said when he saw my dad that he had run out of personal energy hours before and it was by some other, unseen power that he had the strength to make it out. I fully understand the danger he was in, and my heart is full of humility and gratitude to the Lord for leading him to safety. He taught me and my family many lessons that day.

I feel so incredibly blessed! The Lord has truly been looking out for me and I feel so humbled. I am surrounded by people who love me. My family is safe and healthy, though not without their own personal trials. I have a great job where I get to help young women reach for a better life. I'm in love with a man who loves me dearly. And I have the power of personal communication with deity in my life. I am truly blessed.